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Showing posts with label science jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Anatomy Class
Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."
They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Professor's Brain
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the problem Science has
with GOD, the ALMIGHTY. He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .
Professor: You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you Believe in GOD?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Professor: Is GOD Good?
Student: Sure.
Professor: Is GOD ALL POWERFUL?
Student: Yes.
Professor: My Brother died of Cancer even though he prayed to GOD to Heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.
But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent )
Professor: You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella.
Is GOD Good?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Professor: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From . . . GOD . . .
Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Professor: So who created evil?
(Student did not answer)
Professor: Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who Created them?
(Student had no answer)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.
Tell me, son . . . Have you ever seen GOD?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD?
Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor: Yet you still believe in HIM?
Student: Yes.
Professor: According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor: Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student: No, sir. There isn't.
(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)
Student: Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat.
We cannot measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.
(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre)
Student: What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir.
Darkness is the Absence of Something
You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .
But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it?
In reality, Darkness isn't.
If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, Young Man?
Student: Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.
You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.
You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.
It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor,
Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
(The Class was in Uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain?
(The Class broke out into Laughter)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or smelt it? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says that You have No Brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?
(The Room was Silent. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)
Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student: That is it sir . . . Exactly!
The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.
NOTE:
I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . .
You'll probably want your Friends / Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you?
Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . . or FAITH.
with GOD, the ALMIGHTY. He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .
Professor: You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you Believe in GOD?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Professor: Is GOD Good?
Student: Sure.
Professor: Is GOD ALL POWERFUL?
Student: Yes.
Professor: My Brother died of Cancer even though he prayed to GOD to Heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.
But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent )
Professor: You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella.
Is GOD Good?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Professor: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From . . . GOD . . .
Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Professor: So who created evil?
(Student did not answer)
Professor: Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who Created them?
(Student had no answer)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.
Tell me, son . . . Have you ever seen GOD?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD?
Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor: Yet you still believe in HIM?
Student: Yes.
Professor: According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor: Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student: No, sir. There isn't.
(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)
Student: Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat.
We cannot measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.
(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre)
Student: What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir.
Darkness is the Absence of Something
You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .
But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it?
In reality, Darkness isn't.
If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, Young Man?
Student: Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.
You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.
You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.
It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor,
Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
(The Class was in Uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain?
(The Class broke out into Laughter)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or smelt it? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says that You have No Brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?
(The Room was Silent. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)
Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student: That is it sir . . . Exactly!
The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.
NOTE:
I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . .
You'll probably want your Friends / Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you?
Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . . or FAITH.
That student was Albert Einstein.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Screwing a Light Bulb
I saw this on the students' notice board whilst I was coming out of the Telecommunication Engineering lab last Friday. I guess you should be an "academic" to get the joke in this.
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the grunt work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
Have fun.
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the grunt work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
Have fun.
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