Money, Lawyers, Priests, Doctors

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

---

Straight Answers

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town prosecuter called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a cheap paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The prosecutor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the lawyer or the defence ?"

Again she replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence lawyer almost died.

Then the judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you smart b*****ds asks her if she knows me, I'll have you thrown in jail for contempt."