A Powerful Man, Even in Prison ...

An old Igbo farmer wrote a letter to his son in prison.

"Emeka,

This year I won't be able to plant yam and cassava because I can't dig the field, I know if you were here you would help me."

Emeka wrote back,

"Dad,

Don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole"

On reading the letter, the prison officers went and dug the whole field, the very next day, looking for the money, but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote back,

"Dad,

Now you can plant your yam and cassava. This is the best I can do from here... "

Dad, replied:

"Wow! Emekus my Son, you are a powerful man indeed, even in prison, because I was surprised to see all the prison officers with hoes and shovels digging. I will write u back when I want to harvest..."

The Magic Kitchen

Have a good laugh. I did.
Ikemefuna is a house-boy who drinks his Boss' wine with impunity then adds water to cover his tracks. His boss became suspicious and decided to buy Pasties (a French wine that changes color if you add water - just like Dettol). Unaware of this, Ikemefuna drank the wine as usual and topped it up with water.

Immediately he added water, the Pasties became milky and he knew he was in trouble. When the Boss came back and saw the changed Pasties, he knew he had nailed Ikemefuna. Ikemefuna, knowing he was in trouble, decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home. The Boss, having told his wife what he observed, now swung into action.

"Ikemefuna!" he called from the sitting room.

Ikemefuna answered: "Yes, Boss."

"Who drank my pasties?"

Ikemefuna: No answer.

The Boss asked again…still no answer.

So the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane or what? Why, when I call, you say "Yes, Boss", but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?"

Ikemefuna retorted, "Hmmm, Oga. When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything at all, except your name."

"Is that so?" asked the Boss, "Okay, go to the bar stand beside Madam, while I go into the kitchen. And then, you ask me a question."

Ikemefuna accepted. When his Boss was in the kitchen he shouts, "Boss."

"Yes, Ikem" Boss answers.

Ikemefuna then asks, "Who goes into the maid's bedroom when Madam is not at home?"

No answer.

Ikemefuna shouts again: "Boss, I say who dey sneak into the maid's room when Madam no dey house?"

No answer.

The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting, "Wonders shall never cease! Ikemefuna, it is true ooo - when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything except one's name."

The wife, now very angry, interrupts, "That's not true. It's a lie! Without a doubt."

Ikemefuna asks if she'll enter the magic kitchen to test it. She agrees.

Ikemefuna asks, “Madam, who's Junior's biological father? Me or the Boss? "

Madam rushed out of the kitchen. "This kitchen needs to be fumigated ooo! I can't hear anything at all



Gracias!!!!

Nigerian Jokes

2 Nigerian Hunters and a European Pilot

A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later to pick them up.

He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot. "There is no way the plane can take all this bush meat. We will have to leave a third of it behind."

"But we did it last year", the hunters insisted. "The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours"

The pilot hesitated, but then decided to take their word for it. "Well, if you did it last year, I suppose we can do it again this year."

The plane took off. As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. it crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the plane, dazed but glad to be alive.

"I wonder where we are," the pilot asked. One of the hunters looked around, "Don't worry, I think we are just 15 metres east of where we crashed last year."

One for You, One for Me

Any of you know the cemetery at Akoka, Yaba; down by UNILAG. Alright then, one day two primary school boys were over the fence sharing peanuts which they had just stolen. They hid themselves completely out of sight, and one of them split the peanuts equally by saying "One for you and one for me." It so happened that at that moment a young man on his bicycle overheard them, and believed that it was the devil and the good Lord who were sharing the souls of the deceased.

He sped off on his bicycle, frightened like he had just seen the ghost of Abacha. Still speeding, he met an old man who stopped him and asked why he was so scared. The young man still looking over his shoulders, retold his encounter. The old man then slapped the man so as to bring him back to his senses, told him that his story was the most ridiculous that he had ever heard. Then the old man asked to be taken to the cemetery so as to see for himself.

When they got there both men could hear the voices from the cemetery still saying, "One for you, one for me." The old man was taken aback; before the old man could understand what was going on, a voice from behind the wall said, "O boy, this thing don finish-o, make we go get the nuts wey dey by the the wall."

Though the young man was riding his bicycle, he couldn't catch up to the old man who ran so fast that he broke Maurice Green's record.

A Real Lagos Child

A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to marry a Swedish lady in order to be legally certified via resident status... but the lady was not aware of this. She felt he really loved her. Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad rap in that particular part of Sweden, our chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he was from Uganda.

Upon marriage, the lady came home one day and informed our man that she had just met another Swedish lady who had married a Ugandan and they must all have dinner together.

The Naija man was somewhat perplexed, although not perceptibly, and wondered how he'd get out of this spot. He postponed and postponed until he could do so no more.

Finally, the day came when they were to have dinner. The other Swede came in with her Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table. Our Naija chappie was very quiet. "My own don spoil today" was all he could think.

The two Swedish ladies, wanting their husbands to mingle, being from the same homeland, asked them to speak to each other. "Hey! It's not every day you meet people from home.!" they admonished.

Our Naija man, being a man of great savvy, decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and the guy would probably assume he was from some part of Uganda where they spoke a different language. So looking across the table he said: "Egbon Eko ni mi se? Ni bo lo ti ja wa?" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to: "I'm a Lagos man. Where did you come from?" Remember, Lagos is a state in Nigeria, and it used to be the capital.

The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit up as he said: "Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi se! Omo Eko gan gan!" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to "Hey buddy! I'm a Lagos child. A REAL Lagos child!"

Yes, We Have Minerals

This is a TRUE story.

A politician in Nigeria was being interviewed many years ago.
Interviewer: "Nigeria doesn't have many minerals, does it?"
Politician: "Of course we do! We have coke, sprite, 7-up...."

Background information: Minerals besides standing for things like tin, gold, marble, etc. which Nigeria does have, also stands for drinks that in other places can be called pop, soda, soft drinks, etc. Maybe the politician thought that the interviewer was thirsty.

Chaos

(This is another TRUE story:)

In 1983, a rare breed of politician was asked what will happen if the alleged plan of the ruling party to rig the State House of Assembly election materialized. He responded furiously 'there will be shaoos all over the state'

I wonder how long it took others around him to figure out he meant 'chaos'.

Hungry and Broke

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.

However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"