Humour Online

HUSBAND STORE

2009-08-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may
go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper
ascends the floors. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from
a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are pretty good
looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are pretty gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor number 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the
building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle
the truth.

Where is God?

2009-05-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Nigerian Jokes

2009-05-21T13:07:00.001-07:00

2 Nigerian Hunters and a European Pilot

A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later to pick them up.

He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot. "There is no way the plane can take all this bush meat. We will have to leave a third of it behind."

"But we did it last year", the hunters insisted. "The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours"

The pilot hesitated, but then decided to take their word for it. "Well, if you did it last year, I suppose we can do it again this year."

The plane took off. As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. it crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the plane, dazed but glad to be alive.

"I wonder where we are," the pilot asked. One of the hunters looked around, "Don't worry, I think we are just 15 metres east of where we crashed last year."

One for You, One for Me

Any of you know the cemetery at Akoka, Yaba; down by UNILAG. Alright then, one day two primary school boys were over the fence sharing peanuts which they had just stolen. They hid themselves completely out of sight, and one of them split the peanuts equally by saying "One for you and one for me." It so happened that at that moment a young man on his bicycle overheard them, and believed that it was the devil and the good Lord who were sharing the souls of the deceased.

He sped off on his bicycle, frightened like he had just seen the ghost of Abacha. Still speeding, he met an old man who stopped him and asked why he was so scared. The young man still looking over his shoulders, retold his encounter. The old man then slapped the man so as to bring him back to his senses, told him that his story was the most ridiculous that he had ever heard. Then the old man asked to be taken to the cemetery so as to see for himself.

When they got there both men could hear the voices from the cemetery still saying, "One for you, one for me." The old man was taken aback; before the old man could understand what was going on, a voice from behind the wall said, "O boy, this thing don finish-o, make we go get the nuts wey dey by the the wall."

Though the young man was riding his bicycle, he couldn't catch up to the old man who ran so fast that he broke Maurice Green's record.

A Real Lagos Child

A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to marry a Swedish lady in order to be legally certified via resident status... but the lady was not aware of this. She felt he really loved her. Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad rap in that particular part of Sweden, our chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he was from Uganda.

Upon marriage, the lady came home one day and informed our man that she had just met another Swedish lady who had married a Ugandan and they must all have dinner together.

The Naija man was somewhat perplexed, although not perceptibly, and wondered how he'd get out of this spot. He postponed and postponed until he could do so no more.

Finally, the day came when they were to have dinner. The other Swede came in with her Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table. Our Naija chappie was very quiet. "My own don spoil today" was all he could think.

The two Swedish ladies, wanting their husbands to mingle, being from the same homeland, asked them to speak to each other. "Hey! It's not every day you meet people from home.!" they admonished.

Our Naija man, being a man of great savvy, decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and the guy would probably assume he was from some part of Uganda where they spoke a different language. So looking across the table he said: "Egbon Eko ni mi se? Ni bo lo ti ja wa?" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to: "I'm a Lagos man. Where did you come from?" Remember, Lagos is a state in Nigeria, and it used to be the capital.

The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit up as he said: "Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi se! Omo Eko gan gan!" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to "Hey buddy! I'm a Lagos child. A REAL Lagos child!"

Yes, We Have Minerals

This is a TRUE story.

A politician in Nigeria was being interviewed many years ago.
Interviewer: "Nigeria doesn't have many minerals, does it?"
Politician: "Of course we do! We have coke, sprite, 7-up...."

Background information: Minerals besides standing for things like tin, gold, marble, etc. which Nigeria does have, also stands for drinks that in other places can be called pop, soda, soft drinks, etc. Maybe the politician thought that the interviewer was thirsty.

Chaos

(This is another TRUE story:)

In 1983, a rare breed of politician was asked what will happen if the alleged plan of the ruling party to rig the State House of Assembly election materialized. He responded furiously 'there will be shaoos all over the state'

I wonder how long it took others around him to figure out he meant 'chaos'.

Hungry and Broke

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.

However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"

Money Jokes

2009-05-15T04:06:00.000-07:00

Business Ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”

I Made My Husband A Millionaire

A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”

Hard Work

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $9,000,000, which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment, and the death of an uncle who left him $8,999,999.50.

The Honeymoon

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

Money At A Bank

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a blankety-blank checking account”

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

“Listen up darn it, I said I want to open a blankety-blank checking account right now.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no darn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a blankety-blank checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this wench is giving you a hard time?”

A Dollar Per Point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

ATM Money

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time. Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $5,000 in it."

Insufficient Funds

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

My Wise Uncle

My Uncle is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his work shop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they past. Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm
on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on
the cans, my uncle stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express
themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash
cans.

After two days, my uncle greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A couple of days later, my sly uncle approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said "Look, my Social Security check just
isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay?"

"What?! Just a crummy quarter?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

The Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

A Salesman and A Genie

2009-05-15T04:01:00.000-07:00

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. “I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.” The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But your rival has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said. “I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But your rival has just received two Ferraris,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?” “Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”

Money, Lawyers, Priests, Doctors

2009-05-15T03:42:00.000-07:00

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

One Last Bet

2009-05-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink.

He orders a beer and says,
"Man! That guy down there sure does complain a lot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!"

The bartender looks at him and says,
"Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies,
"I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!"

The bartender looks at him and says,
"OK, you're on."

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says,
"I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."

The guy then says,
"I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies,
"I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!"

The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye.

With this, the bartender says,
"Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies,
"I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says,
"There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.

With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims,
"Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!"

Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says,
"What happened to him?"

The guy replies,
"Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

Straight Answers

2009-05-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town prosecuter called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a cheap paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The prosecutor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the lawyer or the defence ?"

Again she replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence lawyer almost died.

Then the judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you smart b*****ds asks her if she knows me, I'll have you thrown in jail for contempt."

Social Network Wars

2009-05-13T07:42:00.001-07:00

How many social networks do you belong to? You should watch this video

Anatomy Class

2009-05-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."

How Indians are Named

2009-05-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

JOKE: Three Hymns

2009-04-01T11:11:00.001-07:00

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He added that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed and collected, the pastor saw that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. "Someone has blessed us with a $1,000 donation!" he announced. "Please let me know who you are. I want to personally thank you."

A woman in the back of the church who looked to be in her late 40's raised her hand.

"Please come up front," the pastor said. The woman made her way up front.

"Thank you for your wonderfully generous gift to the church," the pastor said. "Please, I would like you to pick out three hymns."

The woman's eyes brightened. She looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

2009-04-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My
son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the
bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now
he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight school to
become a pilot.Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the rest-room and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes
of our sons....What about your son?" The fourth man replied:
"My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a
nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And
he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed the other day and he received
a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of
the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

The Professor's Brain

2009-02-19T00:40:00.000-08:00

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the problem Science has
with GOD, the ALMIGHTY. He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .

Professor: You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you Believe in GOD?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Professor: Is GOD Good?
Student: Sure.
Professor: Is GOD ALL POWERFUL?
Student: Yes.
Professor: My Brother died of Cancer even though he prayed to GOD to Heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.
But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent )

Professor: You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella.

Is GOD Good?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Professor: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From . . . GOD . . .
Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Professor: So who created evil?

(Student did not answer)

Professor: Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who Created them?

(Student had no answer)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.
Tell me, son . . . Have you ever seen GOD?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD?
Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor: Yet you still believe in HIM?
Student: Yes.
Professor: According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor: Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student: No, sir. There isn't.

(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)

Student: Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat.
We cannot measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre)

Student: What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir.
Darkness is the Absence of Something
You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .
But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it?
In reality, Darkness isn't.
If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, Young Man?
Student: Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.
You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.
You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.
It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor,
Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?

(The Class was in Uproar)

Student: Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain?

(The Class broke out into Laughter)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or smelt it? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says that You have No Brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?

(The Room was Silent. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)

Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student: That is it sir . . . Exactly!
The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.

NOTE:

I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . .
You'll probably want your Friends / Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you?
Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . . or FAITH.

That student was Albert Einstein.

Animals

2009-02-14T13:12:00.000-08:00

Self-Fishing

2009-02-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Fishig may be fun but it can get dagerous some times. The next time you go fishing, be careful, else you'll be doing self-fishing.

Photo: www.funnyjunkz.com

Screwing a Light Bulb

2009-02-02T02:34:00.000-08:00

I saw this on the students' notice board whilst I was coming out of the Telecommunication Engineering lab last Friday. I guess you should be an "academic" to get the joke in this.

Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the grunt work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question."

Have fun.

The Ass

2009-01-15T03:11:00.000-08:00

A friend emailed me a joke a couple of weeks ago. I guess you might be interested in it. Have fun!!

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery... even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day!

Laugh it off... It will be new year soon...

2008-12-29T07:17:00.001-08:00

In a few days time it will be New Year. Let me share a joke that happened on a New Years' eve with you.

A Bad Dream?

Amma was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Amoako, her husband, 'I just dreamt that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Amoako smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Amoako approached Amma and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

http://www.myghanawedding.com/index.php/jokes.html

Happy New Year!!!

Sooo much fun online

2008-12-26T12:35:00.000-08:00

Hey, there is sooo sooo much fun online. When you are feeling blue just go online and and just have fun. Check this baby out.